Is JD the Coolest VP?
A Purim Special
Yesterday was the Jewish holiday Purim.1 It celebrates a Jewish queen of ancient Persia and her uncle foiling a plot by the evil vizier to murder the Jews. Central to the story is how the vizier and the queen both sought to influence the dissolute king. I don’t think any self-respecting writer would have written a story in which a dissolute ruler takes the country to war with Iran, which is under a regime that wants to kill all the Jews, on Purim. But here we are.
Purim is a fun holiday, the Jewish response to Carnival. According to the Talmud (commentary on the Jewish teaching and law):
A person is obligated to drink on Purim until he does not know the difference between “cursed be Haman” and “blessed be Mordechai.”
While I like a drink, I don’t have the constitution for this anymore. But the idea is to forcibly shift our perspective. So I’m serving up some fun and weird Veepology where up is down, dark is light, the sky is green where the grass is blue. In such a time the Veep is cool and best of friends with the wisest fool.
Coolest VP
J.D. Vance declared that he is the coolest VP, although he admits it’s a low bar. I don’t know much about cool, except this: if you have to tell people you are cool, you aren’t.
Actually, Vance was dubbed the coolest VP by Kelly Loeffler (who is head of the Small Business Administration.) Not sure why Kelly Loeffler is the arbiter here, it’s clearly not because of her deep knowledge of vice presidents!
But we aren’t here to rag on the Hon. Kelly Loeffler,2 we do seriously veepological analysis.
We don’t have hard definitions of cool except that it’s like pornography—we know it when we see it. It’s also independent of political views or skill. What exactly does being a cool VP mean? Does it mean the person becoming VP is cool or that the person does something cool as VP? We’ll take each in turn.
Being Cool and Being a VP
I don’t think there is a universe in which JD Vance (or almost anyone) is as cool as Teddy Roosevelt. Vance wrote a best-selling book that as a work of literature left much to be desired. Teddy Roosevelt wrote eighteen books! His Harvard thesis was published as History of the Naval War of 1812, which became the standard textbook on the topic. He wrote on a range of subjects, most notably history and nature. He was a military hero in the Spanish-American War and was the New York City Police Commissioner. In the latter role, he reformed and de-politicized the department, while personally walking late night and early morning patrols. I’m barely scratching the surface of the TR’s life and achievements. He was an explorer, he kept a menagerie of pets in the White House, he boxed (literally) with journalists, advisers, and anyone who was up to it.
What about Thomas Jefferson, a polymath with accomplishments in several fields of science. Jefferson was the author of the Declaration of Independence, beautifully articulating the American Creed. Vance has beef with the American Creed.
My favorite VP was Coolidge’s number two, Charles Dawes. The man was a successful businessman, decorated World War I general, and won the Nobel Prize for his work restructuring the German economy after the war. An amateur musician, Dawes wrote Melody in A Major, which in 1958 was set to words and became the hit, It’s All in the Game. He also enjoyed playing elaborate practical jokes.
Dawes, TR, and TJ were rich. Vance earns some cred for rising from a modest background to the apex of American politics. But even with this qualification, there are plenty of VPs from humble backgrounds who are cooler than Vance. Herbert Hoover’s vice president, Charles Curtis, was one-eighth Kaw and spoke that language before English. He spent his first eight years on a reservation. When he left reservation life at the age of nine, he was a skilled horseman and became locally famous as a jockey—fame that served him well when he ran for office later. He played up his Native American background on the campaign trail.
This is not an exhaustive list of cool VPs, check out Nelson Rockefeller or Henry Wilson. I think we’ve established that JD Vance is not the coolest person to become vice president.
Being Cool as the VP
If Vance is arguing that he has done cool stuff as vice president, here too he falls short. First, he hasn’t really done that much of anything. He went to Greenland, he’s becoming a father again while in office, he met the Pope, and he gave a bunch of speeches. This is good, but nothing exceptional. Both Richard Nixon and Mike Pence acquitted themselves bravely in the face of a murderous mob coming for them. After Reagan was shot, the Secret Service urged Vice President Bush to take a helicopter to the White House. Bush refused, first because he didn’t want to give the impression he was usurping the president, but second because he didn’t want to disturb First Lady Nancy Reagan who was deeply upset about her husband being shot. That’s a level of kindness and thoughtfulness that’s cool.
These examples are all instances of vice-presidential actions in the face of violence, otherwise the vice presidency doesn’t give much opportunity for cool.
But then there’s Truman’s VP Alben Barkley who made a big splash in the DC social scene when he got married in office to a much younger woman. Genial and funny Barkley and his new wife became much sought dinner guests. The first VP assigned a Secret Service escort, Barkley delighted in giving them the slip and going out on his own. Finally, Barkley was the first Veep. Seems like a pretty cool guy. Way cooler than JD Vance.
Being Cool with Being VP
There is another possible category of vice presidential cool. That is being cool with the inherent mockery that comes with the office. Here, the memefied Vance does pretty well. He is definitely cool with the awkwardness of the vice presidency, meming himself. But here too, he’s hardly alone. Lots of VPs have struggled with the easy mockability of the office, most recently Kamala Harris and Dan Quayle. But others have leaned into it, like Joe Biden. None holds a candle to Vice President Thomas Marshall, who signed a note to President Wilson: “Your only Vice.”
Marshall, a witty man, described his role as, “the best job I ever had – no responsibilities.” He telegraphed his successor, Calvin Coolidge, “Please accept my sincere sympathy.” Marshall also didn’t think he needed a bodyguard because, “Nobody was ever crazy enough to shoot at a vice-president.”
Vance is not alone in making light of his awkward role, but in this category of cool, he at least earns a nomination.
Does Cool Vance have a Chance?
JD Vance is not the coolest VP. But I wouldn’t write him off. He’s only in his sophomore year in office, and really—who is ever cool as a sophomore. He’ll never be the coolest person to become VP. But, he’s got two and a half years to do cool stuff as VP. Maybe he’ll have twins? That’d be neat. Also, given the general weirdness of this administration, who knows what will go down.
Finally, he’s definitely making inroads on the self-mockery that comes with the office. In fact, he’s really good at it!
I’m still celebrating. The important Jewish holidays are celebrated for two days outside of Israel. Purim isn’t an important one, but the day after Purim is a special day of Purim for those living in walled cities. I’m not explaining this, go look it up. Even though I don’t live in a walled city, I’m celebrating a second day.
You should feel free to mock Kelly Loeffler as much as your heart desires.