Could You Fight and Beat a Veep?
Most Americans think they could take Trump in a fight
After Trump asked a nine-year old boy, “You think you could take me in a fight?” YouGov ran a survey. They asked Americans if they personally, an average American, or an eight-year-old boy could win a physical fight with Donald Trump. The majority of Americans (but unsurprisingly a minority of Republicans) think they could beat up Donald Trump.
The internet being the internet, people began asking which presidents would be most formidable in a fight. It was generally agreed that Abraham Lincoln would kick ass. Lincoln was 6’4”, immensely strong, had very long arms, and was a champion wrestler. Among Teddy Roosevelt’s hobbies was boxing and Andrew Jackson, who fought a whole lot of duels, was just an ornery SOB. Jackson was the first American president to be subject to an assassination attempt. When the guns jammed, Jackson began whacking the would-be assassin with his cane. Gerald Ford could have played in the NFL, so you’d probably go down in a match with him.
No one mentioned William Howard Taft, who despite his girth was an athlete. A wrestling champion at Yale, baseball player, and a graceful dancer, Taft would be a threat either in the ring or in a brawl. On the other hand, James Madison was only 5’ 4” and prone to nervous exhaustion. So he’s a President a lot of Americans could probably take.
Here at Down the Hall we are all about vice presidents, so what vice presidents would fare well in a fight?
Caveat: I won’t discuss anyone living—hey Secret Service, I have absolutely no interest in harming any living presidents or vice presidents.
My Bias
Before looking at a selection of fighting Veeps, there’s something I want to share that shapes my analysis. In the latter part of the Ian McEwan novel Lessons, Roland Baines, the main character, is tasked with spreading his long-time girlfriend’s ashes at their favorite hiking trail in the high hills of England. Her ex-husband appears. The ex-husband had hit her, he had also become very rich. She had instructed Roland that her ex-husband was to have nothing to do with her final wishes. The two middle-aged men end up fighting over the urn and the ex-husband prevails. The Roland gave tennis lessons and hiked, the ex-husband was sedentary. The fight’s outcome should have been obvious. But the ex-husband fought harder and dirtier.
The kinds of people who become very rich, hold high office, or generally rise to the top have reserves of energy and a willingness to do whatever it takes to achieve their ends. Sure there are well-connected types who just land these top positions. But in general, politicians must work hard making the endless calls for money, delivering a stump speech with enthusiasm several times a day, and sitting in endless meetings—reiterating their position and hunting for an advantage to enact their policies. Maybe all of this sounds easy to you, but my engine doesn’t have that kind of horsepower.
All of this is to say that, all things being equal, expect a high-level politician to be tougher and fight harder than you’d expect.
The Veep in the Arena
The most recent vice president who is no longer with us is Dick Cheney. A Westerner who hunted and fished, Cheney had been captain of his high school football team and after failing out of Yale, worked as a lineman for the power company. He was a preternaturally cool customer. As Secretary of Defense during the first Gulf War, realizing there was nothing useful to do before the bombing began, Cheney took a nap. In the White House bunker after 9/11 he reported took one long beat before authorizing the Air Force to shoot down the hijacked airliners. Also, he shot his friend in the face. On the other hand, Cheney had a bum ticker. He had five heart attacks, the first at age 37. If he didn’t win a fight quickly, a well-conditioned opponent would outlast Cheney—and possibly kill him.
George H.W. Bush (who was also president) was a war hero who took on every sport and had to win every game he played from tennis and golf to tiddlywinks. He was also head of the CIA, so he probably picked up some secret moves. So yeah, Bush 41 could take you.
Nelson Rockefeller was born into riches, but he was also a born trouble-maker—constantly making mischief at school. When he ran for governor of New York he couldn’t just buy the election. He was running against incumbent Averell Harriman who was also extraordinarily rich. Rockefeller hit the campaign trail, winning over voters everywhere with his outsized personality. In 1964, Rockefeller was booed at the Republican National Convention for his speech attacking the nominee, Barry Goldwater. Rockefeller loved every minute of it—he wanted to expose the extremism that had taken over the GOP. Good luck against the billionaire brawler.
Spiro Agnew was a nasty SOB. He would scratch and bite if he had to. Hubert Humphrey was his exact opposite. A courageous and decent man, Humphrey suffered from an array of physical ailments that prevented him from serving in World War II. So maybe you could beat up Humphrey—but why would you want to?
Richard Nixon was not an impressive physical specimen, but if pushed into a corner he would tap into a deep well of darkness and rage. You would die.
The Farming Factor
Many of our vice presidents grew up working on farms. This work will make you very strong. I chatted with a farmer recently who was in DC for a conference. When our conversation ended we shook hands. She was an average-sized woman about my age. Her grip was iron.
Some of the VPs who grew up working farms include John C. Calhoun, Hannibal Hamlin, Henry A. Wallace, John Nance Garner, and Lyndon Johnson. Calhoun was a slaveholder and advanced the intellectual architecture of the south’s slave society. But as a youth and young man, he worked alongside the slaves. Garner grew up on a farm, later as a young judge he road hundreds of miles a week on the circuit in the Texas back-country, at times sleeping on the ground. Do you want to mix it up with guys like that?
Harry Truman was a farmer. He was also a World War I vet with battlefield experience. The pugnacious Truman and once threatened to beat up The Washington Post music critic for panning his daughter Margaret’s singing in a concert. He’d take a swing at you as well, and you’d go down.
One my favorite VPs is Grant’s 2nd vice president Henry Wilson. Born into poverty in Massachusetts, his father sent him to work as a farm-hand and live with a farmer. Wilson thrived, spent his earnings on schooling, and became a very successful cobbler. As a young man he visited Washington, where he witnessed slave auctions and vowed to combat this evil. Wilson was elected to the Senate in 1854 and was present when South Carolina Congressman entered the Senate and broke his cane over the head of Wilson’s anti-slavery ally Senator Charles Sumner. Wilson denounced the attack as “brutal, murderous, and cowardly…” Friends feared Wilson too would come under physical attack. When a friend mentioned this concern, Wilson showed a pair of revolvers and stated, “Then two will be killed; I am a pretty strong man.”
Vice presidents are not necessarily good people or good politicians. But they are, as Teddy Roosevelt (who resisted becoming vice president) said, “in the arena” where their “face is marred by dust and sweat and blood…”
That, if nothing else, is worthy of respect.